Narc Tactics
Creating and controlling the narrative – do not agree with their version of events. They repeat the wrong narrative to wear you down/frustrate you and make you react.
Over riding boundaries. Boundaries are your personal space, your personal/rest time, your attention. Don’t only warn them of your boundaries they must be enforced by you. Narcs like to interrupt and be intrusive – pushing in to your boundaries of attention and personal information, space etc
Pushing buttons/provoking for reactions – seeing you emotional gives them power
False accusations – when you scramble to prove your innocence youre wanting them to still like you/love you – this must stop, them watching you desperately defending yourself gives them power.
Narcissists lie and confuse – do not bother to make sense of their stories/ do not waste your time or energy. They confuse to make you doubt yourself – do not doubt yourself
Silent treatment- the goal is to make you chase after them, question yourself and feel responsible for the distance
Narcissists want you to engage in their word wars – they feed off your desperation to be heard
Fuel for their ego – attention, compliments, emotional reactions, they use attention seeking behaviour -both good and bad, they enjoy conflict, they enjoy making others feel uncomfortable
Do not share your joy, excitement, sadness – this gives them an emotional target to work on
Narcs must win. They engineer situations to re establish power and dominance. Label this when they do this.
Narcs push boundaries because they are confident you will excuse their behaviour. Do not forgive their behaviour, do not be understanding of their behaviour. Call it out/label at every opportunity – they exploit the fact that you do not want confrontation and you want peace. Ask them to commit to your rules
Narcs will rush you – Do not dance to their beat – dance to your own. They are rushing you to make you respond without thinking properly.
They manipulate you to feel guilt, shame, fear, obligation – call this out. Recognise emotional triggers. They try to intimidate you to feel powerful – call this out. Are they showing disapproval and uncertainty to manipulate you.
Narcissists thrive on drama and try to pull you into unnecessary battles – call it out
They feed on your energy, they set up a trap. -They forget something or act helpless or bait you into their drama/ conflict, then they watch to see if you will protect your energy or if you will hand it to them. If you take responsibility for their mess, if you jump into calm them down, if you explain or soothe or carry what isn’t yours.
Don’t JADE: – Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. They provide fuel for the narcissist
Do challenge their version of events – do ask for an apology, do point out their flaws, do question their actions, do express hurt caused by them
They love to give orders to you, refuse to obey. Refuse to be part of their game
Your confidence and composure can destabilise people who build their value on image or hierarchy – so they want to destroy your confidence and composure.
Give them the minimum time, attention, energy, sympathy, reactions
Narcissists target social fears eg the need to be liked. stop needing to be liked
They use vulnerability to activate your empathy – dont feel sorry for a narcissist its all an act
Your boundary lives in how you respond rather than how someone else understands or respects you. Choose your words carefully
Responses
Do not soften your answer- im sorry, I think, I might, I hope that’s ok, – it gives the other person a way back in. Youre signalling that you feel bad about setting a boundary,
That’s your opinion. Im not discussing this again.
Okay. Noted. That doesn’t work for me.
Im not discussing this until you talk to me respectfully. I don’t care.
Listen to me.
That’s your opinion not a fact. I hear you and I still disagree
Im not responsible for how you choose to feel
We’re done with this topic . Youre entitled to your version, its not mine
Are you done? Have you finished? (don’t react, don’t defend, don’t explain)
Youre behaviour is the problem not my reaction to it
Im stepping away. We can continue when youre calmer
No (without any explanation)
Im not taking blame for something you chose to do
Don’t try to rewrite what happened.
I don’t need your approval That’s not going to work on me anymore
I wont be participating in this conversation anymore